Day 76 (Phone It Foreword)

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Last night I camped out in the woods. This morning I woke up and noticed that not only did I camp in the woods, but I camped next to a swamp. Coincidentally, when I emerged from my tent, I was mauled by a swarm of gnats. History has proven that all the best days started with the slapping of a bug off of your dick. Just ask Genghis Khan.

Florida is stunning. At least this part of Florida is. I don’t remember this state being so photogenic. Although, all I remember of Florida was Disney World, so it’s a little skewed. Fun fact: I threw up on the guy in the seat next to me on the flight home!!!  Yeah so this state is pretty. Yada yada yada.Everyone knows that. Instead I’ll talk about something different. The architecture. Beach houses always seem to have such bizarre and seemingly labyrinthine layouts. I for one adore it. I don’t understand why living in a house shaped like a spaceship has to be limited to a vacation home. Why not make that a permanent home? There’s no way I’m the only one who thinks living in a house with just one wall is radtastic.

Today I found an Iphone on a bridge. Half of it was hanging over the edge. I have no idea how it didn’t fall. I picked it up and knew I had a choice to make. I could be a dick and just take it. I could be an even bigger dick and throw it over the bridge. Or I could do the normal, nice thing, and return it to its rightful owner. It was an easy decision once I reminded myself of the time I lost my GPS in Roswell. I was really high and looking at aliens when all of a sudden I realized I didn’t have my GPS. In a panicked rush, I raced towards the McDonalds I last used it and to my surprise, someone had actually found it and given it to the manager. So now I gotta be like Spike Lee and do the right thing. The only problem is I don’t have an Iphone and I’ve never used one. Because of that, I felt like a monkey pawing at the screen trying to navigate it. If one was observing my actions from a distance, they probably wouldn’t have looked too dissimilar from that of the apes in the beginning of Stanley Kubrick’s 2001: A Space Odyssey. I eventually found the owners mom and called her. I ended up in that face space bullshit thing, but she never picked up. That’s when I realized two things: doing the right thing is going to be a pain in the ass, and I am really out of touch with modern technology. I managed to get a hold of the owner’s mom’s coworker who gave me an address where I could drop off the phone.

Moral of this blog: 1. Don’t get high and leave your GPS lying around. 2. While throwing a cellphone phone off a bridge is rewarding in its own right, it’s not as rewarding as returning it to its proprietor. 3. Drinking dollar store milk and eating three boxes of knock off brand Goldfish makes your ass smell like concentrated poison. 4. Jon Hamm is the perfect human specimen.

Now I really want to watch Spike Lee’s Do the Right Thing. I guess this will have to suffice for now. If you haven’t seen it yet, what the hell is wrong with you?


Miles: 68.30

Time: 5:46:59

Calories: 2665

Total Ascent: 508 ft.


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