I’m finding a strong dissatisfaction with my writing on this blog. I cannot tell if I’m just supposed to list all the things I did within the course of the day, or write more freely about my reactions and thoughts. Trying to combine both is clunky, and honestly it feels like everything I’ve written lately is stale. Having diarrhea-ed all that out. I must say today was rather pleasant. Austin is the first city I’ve been to that has an agreed upon safe lot for graffiti artists. I spoke with one (Rage) who informed me on the hierarchy of artists and how each tier represents skill level. The top spots are commonly vandalized so Rage spends time looking over the lot like a vigilante gargoyle of sorts. They say if you lay down in a field of grass after a long flight, your jet lag dissipates rapidly. Lying in a concrete canvas of raw, passionate, and intense creativity has the same effect. My mental jet lag left my body so powerfully, I could physically feel it. All my stresses and fears were extracted, but I felt numb. Texas has elevated my calming state, but eliminated my creative mindset. Does that mean my creativity is derived from anxiety? “You need to get out of your head. You don’t need to constantly analyze everything.” Selene told me that more times than I want to recall. I have too much time to think, and no one to talk to about it. She sits, listens, and laughs at me. She’s also right. I overthink things. But that is who I am. I actually don’t mind being a neurotic, over dramatic, paranoid 24 year old. I feel simultaneous comfort and uneasiness all of the time. I believe that balance is necessary. I believe having a woman in my life to listen to me roar on about my endlessly altering state is a temporary cure. But life is temporary. And I like holding her hand and looking up at tall buildings and wondering where my place in the cosmos and feeling that nervousness all females seem to draw out of me and feeling alive and feeling a live AND FEELING ALIVE. Girls are monkey wrenches, but sometimes they tighten the bolts that need to be tightened.
Selene met a couple (Joanie and Tom) who are two of the most interesting and complex people I have met on this trip. Joanie deconstructed me in five minutes and exposed me to ideas and mental states that I would fantasize about but never transition into a physical realm. That doesn’t make any sense. She just introduced me to new ways of analyzing a scenario. Just what I need more analyzing! Actually, it was quite helpful. Tom rolled up his sleeves and read my Tarot while revealing the wonders of Joseph Campbell to me. My mind went into system overload. There was so much energy in that house I felt cradled in thought.
Selene went to a park, drank beer, studied the stars, and studied each other. I cycled home. A head saturated with wonder, confusion, fear, and assurance. Tom told me I have too much love to give. I told me the same thing.